Monday, 2 February 2009

Flavoured Eggs - "Fleggs"


Eggs are a good thing. When Nature expresses an egg from her bounteous bosom she affirms to us that she still cares and that life is good. These little balls of protein are full of nutritious goodness and come conveniently encased in a single serving sized shell. In fact, they're so good that you often forget that you're eating chicken babies.

Sometimes, however, do you often wonder if there's something more? That maybe eggs are a little bland and could do with some pepping up? Let me invite you to the world of the flavoured egg.

Ingredients
  • eggs
  • eggs
  • eggs
  • some food colourings and flavourings

Eggsperimental Method 1 - Blowing an egg

The first method we attempted was to "blow" the egg. A small hole was made in each end of the egg with a knife and a little of the albumen was "blown out" by application of the mouth to one end of the egg.


As a test, green food dye was forced into the egg using an aural/oral syringe and the ends sealed with sellotape:


In order to achieve the mixing of the food dye and albumen required, an egg-agitator was put together out of our cooker hood, string and a ramekin:


And thus, with careful rotation, the egg would, in theory, slosh about inside its shell and do some mixing. Inevitably, after boiling for 5 minutes, massive failure was the result:


Eggsperimental Method 2 - Sucking an egg

This failure led to much dejection and searching of souls. "You suck, guys!" said Tom. This must've sparked the neurones in his skull, setting off an incredible brain chain-reaction. There was only one way, and it was clear to him - we must form a seal around the top of the shell and suck the flavouring up through the bottom of the egg. Using a little albumen to improve the seal, we did just as his brain suggested, this time with strawberry - yum!


After boiling, initial results were encouraging. The egg fell apart, so we upped the boiling time in subsequent experiments to 10 minutes. Also, sellotape was banned - it went evil in the boiling water.


After a few tries, we became a well oiled machine with our spike-suck-simmer method.


The Flavours

Orange

  • Appearance - [1/5]: Looks like an egg. With some orange
  • Smell - [0/5]: Orange mixed with egg. Yuk
  • Taste - [0/5]: Orange and egg doesn't go. Really.

Peppermint

  • Appearance - [0/5]: Dear lord! It's an alien egg! Arrg!

Or maybe something from Dr Seuss?


  • Smell - [1/5]: The smell of peppermint nicely overpowers the eggness.
  • Taste - [0/5]: Horror. The texture of eggs with the sensation of mouthwash:

Rum

  • Appearance - [1/5]: Looks like an egg - that's been scooped out and pissed in.
  • Smell - [1/5]: Not too bad, mmm, rum.
  • Taste - [0/5]: Eugh. Egg-nog done all wrong.

Strawberry

  • Appearance - [0/5]: This is possibly the most vile thing I've seen in my life. The phrase "egg abortion" covers only one tenth of the horror.
  • Smell - [0/5]: Eggy-strawberry nausea.
  • Taste - [0/5]: Bad. Very bad.

  • Adventure! - [5/5]: Well, it's hard to believe that anyone's done this crime against god before . . .
  • Overall - [0/5]: Don't do this. For the love of all things you hold dear. Go and have some crisps or a pizza or something. Some things man was not meant to tamper with.

Thanks once again to my housemates for tasting this disgusting stuff and putting up with it in the kitchen. Many thanks to Tom Hinton for trying his best to make this crap look good.

5 comments:

  1. Make sure you look out for the release of the new albumen.

    It's out now.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You do realise that eggs come from cloacae not breasts, right? In fact, eggs can't come from breasts, because breasts are only possessed by mammals, which don't lay eggs!
    (Even the Platypus can't help you here.)

    Good job, I'm glad I didn't have to do this myself to discover it was a terrible idea.

    ReplyDelete
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