Sunday, 21 November 2010

After Eight Mints Pies


The General wallowed in his leather wingback armchair as awaited his manservant. The light from the fire undulated over his uneven features like restless waves before a storm.

"Sir?" sighed Heston, wearyness creeping into his voice.

"These mints," the General waved the offending box of after dinner mints menacingly at Heston, "are terrible. Just terrible."

"They are what you asked for, Sir," reasoned Heston, raising his eyebrows with incredulity.

"Yes, yes" said the General, waving his sherry dismissively, "but, and this is the point, they are entirely unsatisfying. How is a man supposed to maintain his manner with such meagre mints?" He flaccidly held one of the mints at arms length like a used teabag.

"Might I suggest that I have cook fetch some mince pies from the kitchen?" intoned Heston deliberately, with the patience of a man who has weathered the moods of his master before.

"Mince pies?!" spluttered the General splenetically, sending spots of spittle towards Heston which blossomed on his grey trousers as dark phlegmatic blobs. "You know spiced dishes play havoc with my bowels! Go fetch that dough-puncher from the intertubes and have him fashion a more suitable treat!

And so, After Eight Mints Pies were commissioned.

  • Lots of dark chocolate
  • Fondant (that you've already prepared!)
  • Peppermint food flavouring
  • Peanut butter

  • Bain-marie for chocolate melting
  • Cup-cake cases
  • Cup-cake tray
  • Greaseproof paper
  • Ceramic balls

First we melted a load of chocolate.

Method 1: Coating inner-surface of cup-cake case

We tried a number of methods of making the mints pies - the first of these was to coat the inner surface of a cup-cake case with chocolate and let it set.

We pushed it down into the tray to give the pie some shape.

Hmm, the result was quite pretty, but not really what we were going for.

Method 2: Peanut butter cup

Being quite solid, peanut butter forms an ideal centre around which chocolate can be wrapped.

Mmm, cross-section.

Lucy approves . . . I think!

Thumbs up, buddy!

Method 3: A load of balls

The edges of the paper were covered in chocolate and the centre left clear for shaping by some ceramic balls . . .

. . . this didn't really work.

Method 4: The displacement method

Here we used some grease-proof paper and yet more balls to displace chocolate and leave a fracture for fillings.

A cavity remains!

Time to get some fondant in to form a soft centre.

Some of the fondant was mixed with half a teaspoon of peppermint flavouring to make that classic refreshing after eight middle cream. This was then put into the centre of our dark chocolate pie.

Covering the top gives our sweet that mince pie look.

Breaking it open reveals the deliciously sugary core!

There is, however, something incredibly inelegant about this method with the resultant chocolate coating being just a bit too thick.

Method 5:
Coating outer-surface of cup-cake case

Lucy comes up with the idea to coat the outer surface of the cup-cake cases.

Initial results are encouraging with the chocolate forming a uniform, well shaped layer over the paper.

This initial shell is thickened by applying successive layers of chocolate and chilling to make each layer set. Peeling away the paper reveals some perfect chocolate containers!

Apart from one which develops a hole. Whoops!

We made a peanut-butter cup and an after-eight mints pie.

Topping with chocolate, once again, completes the effect!

Mmm, a delicious chocolate treat with the spirit of Christmas!

And what of the General? He never did get to taste these minty delights for he was called up for one last mission in Siam at Her Majesty's command. We never heard from him again . . .

Thursday, 15 April 2010

The Bacon Cock - "Bacock"

Bacon. It's an amazing
material. Every time I cook, I find myself coming back to this material and wondering if it's the perfect food. So many ways to cook it - so little time. It even has its own RSS Feed.

What better way to celebrate this greatest of meats than making a bacock (with spermage and ricocka!)?


  • Bacon (obviously . . .)
  • Ricotta
  • Spinach
  • Garlic
  • Nutmeg
  • Oregano


For your cock, make a lattice structure out of the bacon to make a sheet of meat

Butter up some grease-proof paper real good and wrap it around a suitably shaped item, like a rolling pin.

Wrap your lattice around the greasy pin, making sure you tuck in all the meat tightly

When fully wrapped, your bacock should look somthing like this.

Similarly, wrap some smaller lattices around some ramekins in order to make the balls.

Now your bacock is ready to be slipped into your hot oven for about half an hour.

While you're waiting for the bacon to cook, why not make some spermage and ricocka? Start by gently melting some butter in a pan and adding the garlic.

Next, add the nutmeg, oregano and spinach and cover. The spinach should reduce substantially in a couple of minutes.

Make sure you have some awesome music on while you're cooking.

When the spinach has reduced, let it cool for a bit and then chop it up.

Mix the spinach and ricotta together.

Remove your Bacock from the oven - try not to get too excited . . .

Gently ease the balls off the ramekins.

Give your cock and balls a good stuffing with the spinach and ricotta mix.

Wrap your cock and balls in tin foil and bake for another half an hour.

Yikes! Tin-foil space-cocks . . . FROM SPACE!

Voila! Remove the cock and balls from the oven and arrange genitally.

Why not enjoy your cock and balls with a friend? Served up with some rice it makes the perfect treat. Yum!

Nom nom nom.

Why not take one to a friend's dinner party? Savour their gasps of shock and amazement when you whip your cock out!


  • Appearance - [4/5]: Definitely looks like a cock. The balls were a little big . . . or the cock was too small.
  • Smell - [4/5]: Garlicy! Yum!
  • Texture - [3/5]: The crisp bacony skin yields to the soft, creamy interior.
  • Taste - [3/5]: Not as bad as you might expect. Certainly not as salty . . .
  • Adventure! - [3/5]: Penis, lol!
  • Overall - [3/5]: Surprise your friends with a tasty bacock!