Thursday, 15 April 2010

The Bacon Cock - "Bacock"

Bacon. It's an amazing
material. Every time I cook, I find myself coming back to this material and wondering if it's the perfect food. So many ways to cook it - so little time. It even has its own RSS Feed.

What better way to celebrate this greatest of meats than making a bacock (with spermage and ricocka!)?


  • Bacon (obviously . . .)
  • Ricotta
  • Spinach
  • Garlic
  • Nutmeg
  • Oregano


For your cock, make a lattice structure out of the bacon to make a sheet of meat

Butter up some grease-proof paper real good and wrap it around a suitably shaped item, like a rolling pin.

Wrap your lattice around the greasy pin, making sure you tuck in all the meat tightly

When fully wrapped, your bacock should look somthing like this.

Similarly, wrap some smaller lattices around some ramekins in order to make the balls.

Now your bacock is ready to be slipped into your hot oven for about half an hour.

While you're waiting for the bacon to cook, why not make some spermage and ricocka? Start by gently melting some butter in a pan and adding the garlic.

Next, add the nutmeg, oregano and spinach and cover. The spinach should reduce substantially in a couple of minutes.

Make sure you have some awesome music on while you're cooking.

When the spinach has reduced, let it cool for a bit and then chop it up.

Mix the spinach and ricotta together.

Remove your Bacock from the oven - try not to get too excited . . .

Gently ease the balls off the ramekins.

Give your cock and balls a good stuffing with the spinach and ricotta mix.

Wrap your cock and balls in tin foil and bake for another half an hour.

Yikes! Tin-foil space-cocks . . . FROM SPACE!

Voila! Remove the cock and balls from the oven and arrange genitally.

Why not enjoy your cock and balls with a friend? Served up with some rice it makes the perfect treat. Yum!

Nom nom nom.

Why not take one to a friend's dinner party? Savour their gasps of shock and amazement when you whip your cock out!


  • Appearance - [4/5]: Definitely looks like a cock. The balls were a little big . . . or the cock was too small.
  • Smell - [4/5]: Garlicy! Yum!
  • Texture - [3/5]: The crisp bacony skin yields to the soft, creamy interior.
  • Taste - [3/5]: Not as bad as you might expect. Certainly not as salty . . .
  • Adventure! - [3/5]: Penis, lol!
  • Overall - [3/5]: Surprise your friends with a tasty bacock!

Sunday, 4 April 2010

The Meatini

Some make the bold claim that is was cooking that made us human. The efficient exploitation of a greater variety of food allowed us to fuel outrageously outsized brains. It is these very brains that our ancestors used to invent fire, the wheel and crop cultivation and that we now use for philosophy, science and inventing new game-show formats.

Even in the short term, we can see the advantages of better nutrition in animals. Blue-green algae can be used to boost a pooch's bonce and, just like George Orwell warned us, pigs are turning our own automated systems against us. Maybe we are doomed to be ruled by Swine Lords, overseen by bald eagles whilst shark sentries secure us in their servitude.

I, however, believe in the power of the human spirit. It is humanity, not pigeons or ocelots, that comes up with the cake cannon. Similarly, the Meatini was invented by a man, Joel Veitch and the geniuses at and it is in the spirit of the brotherhood of Man that I share this sophisticated breakfast beverage.


  • Lots of bacon
  • Sausages
  • Black pudding
  • Baked beans
  • Mushrooms


Wrap the bacon around some ramekins or similar small bowl thingys. Put skewers through the sausages and then grill that meaty goodness! Mmm, meat.

While you're waiting, why not fry some mushroom umbrellas?

Removing meat from oven action shot!

Once your meat is all grilled up it's time to assemble the Meatini

Skewer your sausage into your bloody puddings.

Carefully remove your bacon cups from the ramekins

And, err, have your sausage fail when it is needed most :-(.

Never mind, in with the beans! Once again, bacon proves itself to be an amazingly versatile material, holding in the beans with no leakage.

A breakfast fit for a king! Maybe it wasn't the Meatini I fitfully dreamt of the night before, but, as I sit here, supping beans daintily from my bacon dish, I cannot help thinking that it was the journey that was most important. No super-intelligent dolphin or scholarly crustacean can take that away from me.